Two More Years

Chapter 1 – Two Years

Several doctors couldn’t pinpoint the root of my issues. I’m not calling you a liar, a specialist said. I’m just saying we can’t find anything wrong with you. Without other evidence, there’s no way your insurance will pay for an MRI.

Without answers, the doubts and worries crept in. Would this just go away some day, as suddenly as it had come on? I could barely walk, feeling crippled. What if I died from a strange malady that could only be found in an autopsy? Why couldn’t the experts help me?

Where was Dr. House when I needed him?

I mulled mortality, wondering what my purpose has been. Raising my kids, yes. But beyond that? Writing has always been an integral part of my life. I’d been a newspaper publisher. Written two memoirs and several novels, some of which met with decent success. Music, playing the violin, is a key part of who I am.

Feeling like my last lifeline hung, severed, I got an unexpected text:

She wanted you to have this.

The words brought me to a time before, when I ran a little newspaper in Blackfoot, Idaho, and wrote opinion pieces about the amazing people in town. I’d been vivacious and fun—not this shadow of myself.

While there, I briefly met a woman named Norma Furniss. Even the first time I saw her, she shone with an unforgettable intensity. Her eyes saw much more than they should have, and she carried a wisdom befitting her ninety-six years. Ever-changing like time, it appeared she’d outlive us all—and maybe that’s why her death surprised me. Yet, months later her wishes lived on, and I got that message from her son, Nolan.

He came to my house after that, and when he walked from his vehicle with that Quiet Riter—the same typewriter Norma herself had used—well, I couldn’t hold back my joy. I hugged him, telling him how much it meant to me.

That night, my husband cleared a special place on my writing desk where he set up the typewriter. And there it rested, waiting....

***

I give you two years to live.

A few months after they couldn’t find the root of my issues, hospitalized again, I sat facing yet another doctor—an oncologist.

My heart froze in time at the dreaded words. To not see my kids grow up, start their careers, get married. To not grow old with Mike. Unfathomable thoughts.

I’m only thirty-seven. You can fix this. Can’t you? I’d made so many plans.

I’m sorry, Elisa. We can’t.

Stage four melanoma. It had spread to my spine and brain. My breath evaded me, like I already needed the ventilator—the damn life support.

He told me they’d slated a surgery. It wasn’t to prolong my life; it was just to help abate the pain.

After he left, I ordered a hospital smoothie, looked out the window, and tried to pretend I was in Puerto Vallarta. Salt Lake doesn’t really look like Mexico, but if you imagine long enough, you can almost see crocodiles and an ocean in the distance!

Mike came to visit, but I didn’t tell him what the surgeon said. Every time I tried, my voice broke on the words. He ended up doing my hair in a fancy braid, just to take my mind from things.

Oh! I said. I forgot to tell you. A nurse saw me crying in my room today.

You were crying?

Yeah, but that’s not the good part. She let me play my violin in the lobby because she felt so bad.

Mike laughed. Really?

It was a captive audience. Why would I ever pass that up?

They brought patients from all over the different floors. Seriously though, I think it helped me more than it helped them. I met a guy about my age. He’s been battling for a few years, and he’s starting to improve. I swallowed hard. I could get better... someday too. Maybe.

Of course, you will, Mike said, but his big eyes filled with concern as he gazed out the window. Maybe he wished we could be away from this place—maybe he wanted to be in Puerto Vallarta too.

Some hope did remain, in surgeries and immunotherapy, but despite that, they said cancer would cut my life short. At only thirty-seven years old, I’d need to get my affairs in order and draft a will.

Back home again, I sat at my writing desk in front of the old typewriter, Norma’s Quiet Riter. To keep from crying, I imagined Norma from years ago, sitting in front of that same typewriter. The machine is nearly seventy years old. She must have owned it early in her marriage. What amazing stories had she written on this ancient machine?

Maybe I didn’t really know my purpose. Maybe none of us do. Writing had always been a part of my life, but was my purpose on this earth to raise a family and write a few books?

I will never forget Norma or her kindness, even after her death. Maybe my words could be like that for others. After all, we’re all human, just trying to get through this mess called life.

But the old typewriter sat there, unmoving, staring at me, silent. Why did Norma leave this to me? She must have seen something more in me.

I rested my fingers in the home typing position. As I touched the keys, courage flowed into me.

The typewriter wasn’t a symbol that I was supposed to be a great or famous writer, but a reminder that I’m supposed to share my journey. To write about my experiences with cancer, the good and the bad. Maybe my failures and triumphs will help others, so they don’t feel so alone.

So I won’t feel alone.

Chapter 2 – Brain Radiation

Getting through two-hour MRIs and extended CTs has become easier with months of practice: I meditate and count. I even imagine I’m at a spa that offers me a wrinkle-free forehead and beautifully tanned skin. But as I prepared for the brain tumor radiation, no amount of pretending calmed me.

I’ll be right here in the waiting room, Mike said.

Okay! I feigned strength.

The techs led me into a room with all sorts of large whirring machines and flashing screens. A specialist told me to remove my hospital gown. But I’m only wearing a pair of panties.... And to my horror I remembered which pair I’d worn! Mike had bought me a new pack of underwear after I got admitted to the hospital, and apparently men go for fashion over comfort.

We see people in their underwear every day, a woman said.

I reluctantly handed them my gown and stood there in my sparkly slut underwear. At least my fake boobs didn’t look bad, but the underwear cast little lights on the wall as if we were in a strip club instead of a cancer center.

It took a minute to wriggle into what they called my nest.

Sorry, I apologized. My back still hurts so much from where they removed the tumor.

You’ll feel better once you get in there. It’s an exact mold we took of your body.

Soon I rested horizontally in the sarcophagus-thing, and they placed washcloths over my shivering breasts and pushed the sides of the cast against my arms until my wedding ring dug into my thigh. I forgot to take off my wedding ring!

No worries. We’re not radiating that area anyway. A woman grabbed some straps and began tying me down.

Wait. What are you doing? Each of my breaths shortened as Streetcar Named Desire popped into my head.

Radiation is extremely powerful. We can’t have even the slightest movement. We’re radiating very specific spots in your back and brain, but if we hit the wrong areas—especially in your cerebrum—well, that could be devastating.

I smelled something putridly metallic, and my vision blurred. I wondered if the anti-anxiety medication had caused these additional symptoms. Can you tell me a story—to distract me?

Um, sure. So, we had a biker guy come in a few weeks ago. He promised not to move. We all would’ve bet on him, but during radiation he flipped out, actually getting out of the restraints, ripping the plastic cage off his face, and damaging part of the machine! So, don’t feel bad if you’re a little nervous. It can happen to anyone—even a burly biker guy.

Well, great. I tried lengthening my breaths, but nothing seemed to help. I can’t believe how nervous I am. I bet this wouldn’t even phase my husband. Then I told them all about Mike and what a strong person he is.

All right. They patted the cast above my shoulder. We’re almost ready. Just hang weightless. We’ll do the rest. Two sets of hands lifted my head and placed it into a cradle that wrapped uncomfortably tight against my ears.

This will keep your throat open. They pointed to a plastic mouthpiece protruding from the inside of the mask. Bite down on this when we put the mask on.

Then the worst part—the face mask felt so confining I couldn’t open my eyes. It squished my nose and pressed the plastic far into my mouth until saliva pooled near the back of my teeth.

We have to bolt you to the table—it’s protocol. Just relax.

Something whirred near my ear; it sounded suspiciously like a screwdriver.

That’s when my mind went wild. Every horror show I’ve ever seen came to mind. Could I trust these people? Was this even a real hospital? What if they radiated the wrong part of my brain, and I turned into a genuine asshole?

Mmm! I tried yelling—because I did not want to be an asshole.

They didn’t respond.

My arms and legs remained mummified—immobile and weak.

Mmm....

Suddenly, I remembered caving with Mike years before. I’d gotten stuck, and I didn’t think I could wriggle free. Darkness enveloped me along with a strange coldness that took hold as rocks dug deeper and deeper into my skin. Time suspended as I struggled like a worm, trying to wrestle my way to freedom. That’s how I felt as they bolted me to the table.

I tried to thump my body, but like a Chinese finger trap, the weight and pressure of the mold intensified, getting warmer and tighter as it shrunk around me.

The techs’ footsteps faded away. They’d left me all alone.

I tried one last time, my breathing so labored I thought I might pass out. And as my arm stretched, the mold crunched slightly to my right.

Wait! I think she’s freaking out, a tech said from the end of the room. Are you okay? He raised his voice.

Nnn—ttt! Nnn—ttt! Fiery tears streamed from the sides of my eyes and into the face mask as I bit down even harder on the plastic in my mouth.

The tech barked urgent orders before the screwdriver whirred once more, and the radiation team removed the mask.

My lips quivered. I can’t do this! I can’t! My voice rose to a ridiculous level.

It’s just fifty minutes.

That’s almost an hour! I’m freaking out. Get me out of this.

Listen, Elisa. You have two brain tumors—one malignant and one benign. We have to do this, or the cancer will spread in your brain. You have no chance without radiation. No. Chance. Don’t you want more time with your kids and your husband?

I understood. I know I need to do this, but— I bawled. I just can’t get through it. I feel like I’m getting buried alive or something.

Wait, a tech said. You heard her talking about her husband. We need to go get him.

Mike rushed in mere moments later. Hey. Hey. You’re okay, he said.

His face betrayed his shock at seeing what radiation entailed. I’d been embarrassed enough for him to see me with my shaved head the day before—but now this.

As if reading my thoughts, he placed a reassuring hand on my forehead. You’re gonna be okay. Don’t worry. I have an idea.

I nodded and bit my lip.

Close your eyes, Elisa.

I breathed in, shut my eyes, and listened to his voice.

Okay. I need you to imagine you’re a violin.

I hung onto his every word. As his deep voice relayed minute details about what I should visualize, his love encased me instead of the body mold. The intense heat seemed fueled from the passion in his tone and the lights fully embodied his belief in me.

You’re getting fixed up right now. They’re going to shine up your wooden surfaces. Work on each part.

The techs gently inserted the mouthpiece and pressed the mask against my face.

They’re polishing and refining you, tuning your strings, adjusting your bridge.

I breathed strong, steady breaths.

You’re just going to get fixed up a bit. You’re a violin.

We need to step out now, a tech said after screwing the mask back in place. She’s quiet this time. She seems okay.

The table slid, rocking me as it jostled. More lights bored forward, penetrating even the face cage and my closed eyelids.

I imagined that God inspected every part of a violin. The heavy encasings around my legs buffed my surfaces and stained my edges. God would come so I could be perfected, cleansed, and refined.

A violin maker had asked to borrow my fiddle years before. I reluctantly gave it to him, not having any idea why he wanted it. Over a matter of days, he’d done all sorts of wonderful things: sanding and rehairing, rebuilding, painting, and retuning. He gave me a new chin rest and bridge! My violin gleamed from the beauty of his intentions, and I’d hugged him tightly for doing such a wonderful act of kindness. My violin sang like never before.

As the minutes ticked by, I truly felt what my violin must have undergone. And when the radiation machine stopped, I somehow embodied peace.

Mike’s voice echoed off the walls as he rushed into the room. You’re done! You did it!

When they removed the mask, a man asked Mike, How did you think of that? How? It was brilliant, really.

I don’t know. It just came to me.

I opened my eyes and stared at my husband’s handsome face. Thank you for helping me!

You’re so brave. He smiled, and somehow hearing him say those words meant more to me than anything in the world.

I’ll continue coming back for radiation on my spine. I hope I’ll get better at this.

***

Another time, another place, many years ago, I’m lying on my back, practically shining with happiness. My chubby toes twiddle in front of me, and I’m purely delighted that I can tell my body to move, and then it magically obeys.

So much joy. The creatures in the fish tank behind me move and dance in a strange world all their own. I love the betta fish best because they seem to wear flowing dresses that fit just perfectly!

There’s a bay window in front of me. And the sunlight catches all sorts of dust particles. I let my feet playfully fall to the carpet, and that’s when I take my hands out of my mouth and start trying to grab the tiny flecks that are illuminated all around.

It’s magic—my first memory. I’m so filled with wonder and joy, enough that it lasted a lifetime.

I loved everything to the fullest: those around me, the beauty of simplicity, even the warmth of the sun. It’s strange to think that the sun eventually made me so sick. What inspired my first memory might also be the cause of my last. It’s not a shock really; after all, it’s far more common for people with reddish hair to get melanoma. And looking back, it doesn’t matter so much. Not anymore. It’s too late.

The sun made an impact so strong that it’s my first memory—that and a pure joy of just being alive. I’ve heard that first memories can give us a glimpse into our purpose. Well, I’d say mine is joy, experiencing it and then trying to share it with others. It’s that simple.

***

Dear God,

I think I’ve handled things fairly well (except for the face-cage radiation). I’ve laughed when I should’ve cried, been nice when I could’ve screamed about my mortality. Tried to be brave. And I’ve really handled it well, until the extended butt crack.

I decided to look at my scar, which goes from the middle of my back down to my tailbone. But no matter which light it’s in—trust me—the scar now makes my butt crack look a million miles long, and it’s not even in the right place! Cheeks extending between my shoulder blades is not what I asked for this Christmas.

When Sir Mix-a-Lot wrote about liking big butts, I don’t think he meant the hunch-butt of Notre Dame. But still, if I’m trying to be positive, I finally have a big butt, and if I had to get a weird thing for Christmas 2020, a lifesaving surgery is pretty great. The worst side effect was, simply, a back butt.

It’s a good thing my daughter, Ruby, is training to be a tattoo artist. I’ve never wanted a tattoo in my life, but I might need one to cover up the scar. It’s funny how life will change us.

Sincerely,

A woman with a back butt

PS: Don’t ever get cancer. It comes with all sorts of things that no one wants.

Chapter 3 – My Demise Cheered Them

The radiation waiting room is a strange place where everyone wears patient gowns, and no one really checks in—yet we’re all recognized and called back in order.

I hobbled in with my walker. This wasn’t a regular day though, and the air felt thick. Two elderly women sat bickering about life, even though they seemed relatively rich, well-to-do (from their hair, nails, and conversation), and as if they’ve lacked nothing their entire lives.

"Why did God do this to us? one woman asked. This is the most terrible thing I can imagine."

I agree! I might stop going to church. This is ridiculous!

They both complained so long it grated against my nerves more than my back surgery. They talked about how they both have breast cancer (stage one and stage two). Radiation for both is precautionary, and they have good prognoses ahead of them. I thought they were actually quite lucky, yet they complained.

Don’t ever get old! one lady said to me. It’s the pits.

But, oddly enough, I was there—getting radiation—to get old.

Getting old sucks, she said.

And I wanted to follow with, No, dying young sucks. Instead, I looked at the TV and hoped one of them would be called back soon before I said something I’d regret.

But they weren’t, and the older of the two sighed deeply. I’m sure it’s something simple, but what are you in here for? she asked me.

I couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted answers. Then, fine! Stage four melanoma. They’ve given me two years to live.

You should’ve seen their faces—the older one looked like she’d swallowed a frog. The other woman lost some of the color in her plump face. And I don’t know why, but this must have worked as some sort of reset. They started apologizing as I held in some devious laughter.

"And here we are, talking about how hard our lives are."

We all die sometime, I said. And that’s hard for everyone. We just need to start appreciating the time while we’re here. Why complain when you could be enjoying life? One is a waste, and the other isn’t.

After a few minutes of silence, the two started talking about how lucky they were not to have stage four cancer, and how they have upcoming plans for the holidays—gifts for family and friends. They talked about a future far beyond that, one I hope they’ll have. And as each of them was called back to radiation, they smiled and told me to never lose hope. It felt odd, how my demise had cheered them up. But honestly, I was grateful something had done the trick.

A new lady sat in the room with me at that point. She seemed sweet despite circumstances. And I thought how amusing that she hadn’t seen what had transpired in that same room, just moments before.

***

A few days later, we went to Walmart to get a couple of dollar gifts for each of the kids—just to tell them we appreciate how well they’re handling everything. But several minutes into the trip, I started feeling weak and dizzy. I looked frantically for a place to sit, but COVID had wiped out all the chairs.

I finally hobbled to the front of the store and found a seat where an associate had previously been peddling eyewear. I know it probably isn’t right, but as soon as they stood, I sat down as if we were playing a game of musical chairs. With my walker in front of me, I hoped no one would argue about the place I’d illegally commandeered.

I sat, staring to the left when someone said something directly to my right. I looked over, shocked. A man perched not six feet away. I had no idea where he had found his chair, but I wasn’t about to judge him when I’d just done the same.

You use this thing? he asked, softly kicking my walker.

Who was this guy? Yes, I said, trying to be extra polite. I use this thing.

"Well then, what’s wrong with you? You’re not that old."

I’m in my thirties. Had he seriously just asked what’s wrong with me? This man was so blunt, and part of me loved it

I have cancer, I admitted. Stage four. It felt nice to get it out. A lot of people in the store had looked at me like they wondered what’s wrong but weren’t brave enough to ask.

The man leaned forward then, as if imparting some great gift. The reason I’m here is to tell you that prayer works.

That’s the reason you’re here?

Yep. That’s the reason I’m here! I could tell he smiled under his mask.

Shortly after that, Mike came up to a register, and I went to stand by him as he checked out.

As we walked away, I looked back to where I’d